Something to Say
by Oh-no-she-di'ent
Summary: Possible Spoilers The summer has passed and now Luke has something to say. He's had time to reflect, now Mr. Monosyllable speaks...or writes. Rating is to be safe. LORELAI'S PERSPECTIVE ADDED
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer Nothing belongs to me on the new CW network

I find it funny how the day b4 I posted my first fic, I had NEVER planned on posting. Now, here it is, less than 2 weeks later, I'm posting another. Don't think me slow; I find humor everywhere.

Okay, I watched the first episode, as did every other _Gilmore Girls_ fan, but after the episode went off, there was a little trailer-type-of-situation for next week's episode. The spoiler alert goes no further than that. If you didn't see that part and you don't want to know anything, **stop reading**. What I saw was Luke trying to play down his whole relationship with Lorelai, and then they cut to Lorelai kissing and riding (dirty!) with Chris. I wouldn't even call that a spoiler, but some of Luke's letter is based on that. For the purpose of this story/letter/whatever, Luke went away for 2 months after his confrontation to Lorelai. Also, he somehow found out about L/C' s budding romance. When he came back, he wanted to reach out. Now, read please :-p

**Something to Say **

Dear Lorelai,

This is Luke. I know that sounds a bit elementary in presentation, but I felt that that should be established. Reason being is that most, if not all of this letter's content may sound somewhat uncharacteristic, but there are things that need to be said.

I am not writing this to make you feel bad or hurt you in ANY way. I want you to know that before I proceed with anything.

First off, it's been a really long summer for me. I could barely deal. The only other summer that seemed this long and miserable was the one I spent in Maine. But, that was under very different circumstances. I missed you. We had just gotten the ball rolling, and I had to take off. Every day that I woke up knowing that it would be another without you was awful. But it was okay because I knew that I would soon return home and everything would be fine. I had something to look forward to.

This time, however, all I could look forward to was a decrease in pain. And everyday was a letdown because the pain just grew. It got to a point when crying myself to sleep became a nightly ritual. Just writing that is weird, but I have no intention of erasing anything that gets written. I would never tell you to your face that I was crying because I know that (under different conditions) the mocking would be infinite. Another reason I wouldn't tell you is because it's just not who I am. I just can't see leaving myself open like that. It's amazing what you can write on paper.

I haven't had many serious relationships. You know of all the ones that I have had. There was Rachel, Anna, Nicole…and you. The three dots that separates you from them is not just meant as a thoughtful pause. It's hard for me to place you in any category with my exes. Because you were _it_. I thought I knew what it was like to love someone entirely. With at least two of these women, I thought I knew. It wasn't until you came along that I found out how wrong I had been.

I know I used to tell you all of the time how beautiful you were. That was, actually, the first thing that I noticed about you when you came into my diner ten years ago. But that was it. My thoughts went no further than that because beauty isn't everything, ya know? Trying to convince myself that you were worth it just because of how you look would have, in my mind, set me up for disappointment. Looks fade. When I was younger, I based a lot on outer appearances. That's what led me to Rachel. She wasn't a complete regret, but if I wasn't so focused on her looks, I would have been able to effectively see many of her more hurtful flaws early on. Looking back, she wasn't exactly trying to hide them. What changed my whole perspective was when my mom got sick. If I were not witnessing her change on a day-to-day basis, I would have never been able to recognize her final form. But, to my dad, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he made sure she knew it. He saw _her_. Her outward beauty had always been icing to him.

Lorelai, when I saw you walk into my diner, you were breathtaking, but I wasn't going to act on that alone. I had no idea what lay underneath. Days passed and you showed up more and more. Weeks went by and I grew to like you. Even though you butchered my name daily, I liked you as a person. Weeks turned to months and months to years, and I found myself having a deep-rooted respect for you. You were irritating, and I let you know this on a very regular basis, but still, my respect for you flourished.

The first thing that I fell in love with was you and your daughter's mutual love for one another. I loved watching the two of you interact. Every day for years, I saw you smile when you didn't really want to, do things just to help others, and I could look into your eyes and know exactly what you were feeling, despite what may come out of your mouth. You came to mean a lot to me.

When I finally decided to take the leap, I was ecstatic to get reciprocation. The love was already there. It had been there, and all I wanted you to do was catch up.

Love. The first time you directed the word at me, you saw, maybe, a tenth of my emotion. I melted inside. I knew that you were the one for me before you became my woman, officially. I just knew. I had found true love. As corny as it sounds, you were the light to all the dark areas of my life. Memories of you still are.

In my mind, you were there with me. No other woman, not even pre-leaving Rachel, had been. I wanted you by my side through everything. When I found out about April, it threw my life into a spin. I had a lot to deal with, and usually, that would have been the point where I'd shut down completely. Being the simple guy that I've always been, I don't deal too well with compounding problems. I just don't, character flaw or not. I felt myself wanting to turn everything else off and focus on the situation that could not wait—April. But I didn't. At least _in my mind_, I didn't turn _you _off.

I would come over at the drop of a hat to keep your home free of spiders. I was being there for you and still dealing with my long lost child. I would go to the Inn and fix things for you with that dingbat of a desk attendant yammering in broken English. I was being there for you and still forming a relationship with my daughter. I would go to the beach in below zero weather just because you asked. I was being there for you and still forming love for April. In my head, everything was working out. Slowly, but still…

I put lots of effort into building something with April, not seeing, truly, what I was doing to you.

Many weeks this past summer were spent feeling sorry for myself. The moment that I began to see my part in this—my very large part—my healing began. Don't get me wrong, it hurt. It probably hurt worse to know that I had caused it, but the healing had begun.

I began to see how bad I had hurt you. I would go back to certain moments where I'd recall a fleeting look of pain in your eyes, and I'd want to yell at, scream at, and fight the cause of it. But it was me. I was the cause. Knowing I caused you any pain was the worst punishment I could have ever gotten.

It hurts me now to know that I was so focused on something else that I didn't take time out to see you. Your energy was no longer there, and I didn't even notice. I had waited years to be with you, with my first true love. And, in 6 months time, I killed our relationship by stupidly thinking that I didn't have to work anymore to foster it. I took advantage of having you and having you want to be with me.

But I know you. You have never been the type to bite your tongue. But you chose to do so when so much was at stake. Did you feel that you and your pain would not have been well-received? I just don't understand.

And then came Christopher. My first thought upon hearing that you slept with him was '_how could she_?'. I try not to think of it much these days, but that particular indiscretion will never stop being a painful mystery to me. Why did it have to be Chris? You could have gone to anyone, but you chose _him_. Then, you had sex with him, Lorelai. I can't put into words how that made me feel. If your intent was to hurt me, mission accomplished. I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone.

And then, not soon after, you began a relationship with him. I **never** thought I'd place you in the same category of 'cold' or 'heartless', but that's where you took up residence. Even owning up to and accepting everything that I did wrong did not make your actions understandable to me. I'm sorry, but it didn't.

I have accepted that you and I will no longer have a romantic future. You said that it was over, and I was unwilling to let you go…until I heard about Chris. Now, I don't think that I _could_ go back.

The main reason that I pulled out this paper and pen hasn't been discussed yet. Up until now, I've just been kind of rambling. It's been heartfelt ramblings, but ramblings nonetheless.

The main reason is this—after I found out what you did, we had a run-in on the street. I was hurting. I was pained, and that's all I felt. I looked you in your eyes and, basically, told you that you were some sort of a conquest, like, I was marrying you to humor you or something. I can't remember exactly what I said because I have a hard time remembering lies. That's what they were.

Just words. Ugly, stupid, VERY untrue words. Like I said before, our future as a couple is, well, not good. But, what I _will not_ do is take away from our past.

I don't regret one moment spent with you. You made me happier than I will ever choose to admit, and (despite what you may have thought) I wanted to marry you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to wake up and see your beautiful eyes staring back into mine. I looked forward to our 1000th time making love. I remember you told me about the _Friends_ episode where one of the guys (whose name I don't remember) told Satchel or Rachel—yeah, Rachel; where'd Satchel come from?—the number of times they'd done it. It was a week and a half into our relationship. I mentally counted back and determined that we'd done it five times already. I started to keep count from then on. Each time we made love, I'd add it to the count. I thought that I'd surprise you with a special evening for our 100th time, but that got ruled out when we had that, ahem, quickie during the lunch rush. After missing the 200th time and the 300th, I decided to wait 'til 1000. I figured we'd be married by then, and that would make it that much more special.

But, we never made it. I would tell you the number we ended on, but what would be the point?

Anyway, I don't know where we go from here. Do we avoid one another? Do we become uncomfortable acquaintances? Friends? I don't know. I do know that it's weird not seeing you or hearing you. It's weird. Maybe it's because before we became an item, we were friends. Some would say that we were best friends.

I know you have your life now, and hopefully I didn't bring up memories long forgotten to you. I just had to let you know, Lorelai. I had to. I hope you understand.

I don't know what coffee shop is getting ready to add an extra wing because of your excessive coffee purchases, but if you ever want a cup from an old friend, then just know that the door is always open. Anytime. It has to start somewhere.

Sincerely,

Luke

Just so everyone knows, I love Luke and Lorelai as a couple. Actually, the whole April-Anna-Christopher catastrophe caused me an entire summer of sadness…well, as much as a TV show can cause, anyway. I just had to get this idea out there before it suffocated me. Please REVIEW! Come on, everyone's doing it….


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Okay, check this out, when I wrote Luke's letter, it was an idea that was booming at surround-sound in my head. The day after the premiere, I typed it out, and that was it. It was done, and I didn't think twice about it. Whatever. That was one and a half months ago. It got a couple reviews (very appreciated, btw) but one review that stumbled in a little late on 11/11/06 prompted me to take a 2nd look at the story. It seemed foreign to me, and this offered an objectivity that allowed me to see that it would be nice to have Lorelai's reaction. I knew that before, but her side wasn't a part of the original surround-sound boom, so I was able to overlook it. I didn't have the inspiration. After re-reading it, I found some. And, here it is. Please read and review. Also, _The Great Stink_ was the last episode that I've seen. I'm recording all episodes, and won't be able to watch it until the winter break, so if you'd be so kind and not put any episode details in your review, that'd be great. Thanks.

Something to Say **Part II**

Dear Luke,

I got your letter. I've read it so many times that I can mentally see the exact location of every word on the page. I know how hard it must have been to open yourself up like that, and I respect that. So much so, that I will attempt to open my heart to you as well. Okay, let me clarify that. My heart has been and probably will always _be_ open to you. I will instead use this paper and this pen as a source of communication. Hopefully, I'll be able to do myself some justice.

You know how you can sometimes mess up so bad that is seems an apology isn't even worth the breath it takes to verbalize it- that it's just nowhere near good enough? Yet, you still have to try? I know. An example of that that would hit close to home for you would be the night that Rory got into that car accident. I don't know what part of me allowed those hurtful words to escape my mouth. But those three words led to one of the most awful summers of my adult life.

You were my friend, and in my head, hurting a friend like you is what caused the resulting sadness. Deep down, though, I knew that wasn't true. Being where I am now in my life, I can wholeheartedly admit that that wasn't entirely true. It was there, Luke. I have always cared about you a great deal. That is what made it so easy to fall in love with you.

When you went away to Maine, I was disappointed by your absence. I knew that I'd miss you. Except I'd be missing you on this whole new, wonderfully exciting level. I'd be missing _my boyfriend, Luke_. So, while that summer wasn't entirely thrilling, it marked what I thought to be the beginning of something great. Our relationship hadn't really started, and yet, it felt so permanent. So very permanent.

Now comes the hard part.

I am _hardly_ flawless. Please hold your comments on that one. Growing up, I watched my mother treat every hired hand like a one-winged swan in a lake of crocodiles. They didn't stand a chance. No one's feelings mattered to her, and hers came before everyone else's. I made it my business to never be like Emily. No surprise there, but when I moved to this town, that's what allowed me give of myself so freely. My time, my energy, my sanity at times, and any other thing I could give would be sacrificed at the drop of a hat. I was selfless and was happy to be so. Completely.

When I got in a relationship with you, something happened to me. I had never had so much feeling attached to any man in my life, and I had also never had someone attach so much feeling to me. You love hard, Luke. You love so unconditionally hard that I became spoiled. You saw me, and you managed to accept what you saw. I'd sometimes lose myself in a sea of repartees and wit-laden exchanges. Sometimes the reason for creating them would be drowned out. You were always there to offer me a life raft. You never just jumped in and tried to be the hero, but you'd always let me know that if I did find the strength to cling to that raft, you'd be there to pull me to the deck.

How could I not want to wrap myself securely around that love? Without hesitation, I allowed myself to do that. I allowed myself to admit that I not only wanted and desired your presence in and near me, but I needed it. I know that sounds dirty, but it goes so much more deeper than that. It just...does.

When April came along, I got scared. I knew that you'd not only have to, but you'd want to make room for her. I would expect no less from you. I mean, I wasn't jealous of April, but I was feeling very protective of the love that had been given to me. I wasn't willing to accept any less. I didn't know how.

I soon began to feel like I had little choice in the matter. You pushed me away, Luke. I saw you in this pool of events and confusion and situations that would threaten to consume the strongest of people. So, I threw you a raft, like you'd done for me so many times. I stood on that same deck that you'd stood on, and I waited. I waited for the moment you'd let me offer you a hand. I would have even settled for you pulling me in with you. At least we would have drowned together.

I went through so many emotional temperatures on that platform. But I waited. I nearly collapsed at times, but I fought the icy chill, and I continued to wait. For you.

I soon started to feel like you weren't drowning in that pool after all. It started feeling to me like you were swimming...everywhere except toward me. The pain that that feeling brought with it was excruciating.

I've had to deal with many less than stellar relationships in the past. I didn't realize how lacking they had been until I saw and felt love for the first time with my best friend.

My selfless adaptation flew right out of the window when I felt you pulling away. I'm sorry, but once you've experienced the best, you can't go back to bullshit. And I wasn't willing to. Alas, the blind-panic street encounter of Spring '06.

I don't know what I was thinking, really. I knew you wouldn't go through with it. If for no other reason than your ever-present rationality, I knew you would not go through with it. I knew that, and still I took it there. That was completely thoughtless on my part. Street confrontations at night really don't show my best side.

Luke, I want you to understand one thing for me. Chris was a mistake. I can only imagine how lame that sounds. With a situation of this magnitude, 'sorry' must seem almost like an insult. But even if you and I never speak again, I want you to know that if I could go back in time and redo that night, Christoper would NOT have happened.

You told me that knowing that you caused me pain was punishment for you. You don't deserve any kind of punishment. I want you to know that going to someone else that night was the dumbest, most regretful thing I've ever done, second to one other. Knowing that you were so affected by that hurts so much, and it finally offers insight into something else. I hate to segue into a movie, but hey, you know me. You remember at the end of _Green Mile_ when Tom Hanks' character was forced to pay for his part in killing one of God's angels? His punishment was his life. He was given elongated life. He had to live with pain and loss year after year. I've always, as you well know, cried like a baby for the last half hour of that movie. I empathized with him, and I have since began to sympathize with him. It's a very fine but very distinctive line. Putting myself in the same boat as him may seem unreasonably foolish, but I swear my heart did not get that memo.

The tears that I've shed over this whole thing is undoubtedly more than I've ever let exit my body. Trying to be strong is useless. So, I watch a lot of sad movies nowadays. They offer a believable alibi. "The Notebook" stays in constant rotation.

I hate that you, at one point, thought me to be heartless. Because it's there, Luke. Still beating. The same beat that it's been beating for the longest now. Only now, the beat goes unheard by the one person that intiated the tempo.

Okay, kind of lost my train of thought here, but I guess it's only fitting that I let you know the one thing that I regret the most. Staying Quiet. Ironic since there are very few thoughts in my mind that go unspoken. To answer your question- no, I don't think that you would have treated my issues like they didn't matter. It's the opposite, actually. You would have turned attention to me when I felt that you needed to focus on April. I didn't want to pressure you. It sounds completely stupid now since that's ultimately what I did.

Everything just got so out of hand so quickly. The shoulda-coulda-woulda goblin rears its ugly head every day of my present-day life. I imagine that one day all of the negative feelings that surround me will drift away and find new body atmosphere to encompass.

Just so you know, it's weird not seeing you too. It's actually a bit more than weird, but I'll use your word. I hate that with this break-up comes the end of a once glorious, albeit sexually repressed, friendship. Which reminds me, I can't believe you were counting. That's amazing, Luke. The girl that let you go must be kicking her own ass right now. I'd say, unofficially of course, that we were more than halfway there.

Well, I'm not going to hold you hostage with my letter here, so I'll wrap it up.

I want you to not feel like this is your fault because I don't. You made mistakes, Luke. I won't gloss over that, but I allowed them to escalate by doing and saying nothing when I was dying inside. It was unfair of me to expect you to just know. You are right. A lot was at stake. I know how you operate, and as I think more and more about it, it wasn't out of character for you to do what you did. I know how you can get trapped in your own head and how you have the tendency to try to strap every problem on your back, making it your problem and your problem alone.

I should have never allowed you to do this. I should have nipped it in the bud, and I made the wrong choice. Several wrong choices. I am currently engulfed in every one of them. Do with that what you will.

By the way, I'm not drinking much coffee these days. But maybe I'll stop in anyway. Get reaquainted with that old friend you mentioned.

Sincerely yours,

Lorelai

---Signed, Sealed, and Delivered---

**Okay, I'm pretty sure that that is it. I hate writing things like this b/c it's depressing. Usually, I don't even read other people's fics like this. Because, again, it's depressing. For those of you who wish to see that wonderful and _real _reconciliation popping off, pls check out "In the Era of Film" by TashaLaw. It's not finished yet, but she is killin' that story. I am so in love with it. Anyway, please review and let me know something.**


End file.
